Beginning and ending
Dawn breaking from the veils of starless night
The darkness of eons
Bloody waves on the sands of time
High above the broken earth
Voices of the cosmos
Fire raining down on tossing seas
From the crimson heavens
Burning with the brilliance of life itself
Follow the universe to everlasting sleep
Born from dew and foam and flame
Hands that hold the hourglass
Time and space converge
Planted flags on celestial spheres
Spinning through the emptiness of ages
Signs carved on the mountains
Crumbling to dust
And with the wind are gone
Dance of fire
Madness and abandon swirling across the galaxies
Transcend the final flood
And one by one blot out the stars
Light and darkness joined as one
Life and death released from their chains
Beginning and ending
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
[quote="Warrior Princess"]
Madness and abandon swirling across the galaxies
Transcend the final flood
And one by one blot out the stars
Light and darkness joined as onequote]
I like this part. (:
Actually, I like the whole thing.
Hello Warrior Princess!
Okay! So first of all, I am a major science geek. XD Anyway, when I was reading your poem, I was first looking for the end of humanity, since that is typically what apocalyptic poems are about! Anyway, when I realized that this really wasn't about humanity ending, I looked at the science involved, since I am a science geek. Anyway, right now, this looks like it was just a bunch of catastrophic incidents involving astronomy and geology! But, I think it would be really cool if you just peeked at the science and saw what scientists predict would happen at the end of our world and the universe. It really is quite poetic, in a kind of scary way, lol. For instance, do you know that it's predicted that our sun will expand into a giant red fireball and eat up the Earth when it runs out of its main fuel?
So definitely don't hide away from research. It will make your poem that much more richer.
Hello there. It is always so sad when works go unreviewed for so long, and so here I am to remedy that!
I have to agree with Calligraphy; the ideas in this poem were extremely disjointed. While I can see why you wrote it this way, and how it could possibly work, there are a couple of reasons why it doesn't work in this poem.
The first is the lack of clear separation between ideas. Normally punctuation would take care of this, but as you have no punctuation, the first letter of every line is capitalized, and there are no stanza breaks, there are no visual cues that signal to your reader that the ideas in this line are connected while these lines are separate. I suggest not capitalizing the first letter of every line as it will enable you to use capitalization to signal a shift in ideas, and it also will break the illusion of a pattern that having every first letter capitalized creates. In addition, using stanza breaks to emphasize the shift in ideas may be a good idea.
The second issue deals with the imagery. Right now, what imagery you have is vague and nonspecific. This makes things difficult to visualize which add a sense of vagueness to the confusion caused by the lack of idea separations. Try not to use abstract concepts ("beginning"), or if you do, show how they exist by using concrete examples. Rather than using a single adjective, instead take the time to describe to us exactly how brilliant or empty something is by, again, using concrete examples. It will make your poetry more easy to visualize and, as a result, more memorable and powerful. After all, which generally elicits a stronger emotional reaction: the abstract (pure mathematics) or the concrete (a picture)?
These two lines make no sense to me.
Overall I feel as if you wrote two lines at a time to make this poem. You seem to just have put random thoughts about what the apocalypse would be like. There is no pattern. Yes, I do understand that this is free verse and that there is no structure, but I am not talking about that. I am talking about the ideas. You should read this poem out loud. Take the lines and try to make a pattern. Try to make it like a story. One line must lead to the next in some way. The ideas must connect.
Hope I helped,
A. S.